Towards a Theology of Writer's Block

Certainly One Way to Apologize for Being Inactive for a Bit

I’ve been burned out recently. The school year this year was the best of my career, I really grew as a teacher in ways that I want to save for another piece, but I did not take a day off all year¹ and teaching is emotionally draining as it is.

But it’s not just that, because the problem with deciding that you want to put your thoughts up on Substack and get paid for them as a product, is that now you are Producing Content, and that content has to be good. If I’m not sure about an idea I have, I can post it on social media and have it result in a conversation, where I can find out if I’m wrong or if I’m onto something. I don’t have to produce something, I can just contribute to a conversation, and if someone else builds off the idea, that’s great! But when its a product which people are paying me for, it has to be mine, and it has to be good, and it has to be a finished product representing truth I can stand behind, not just something for other people to riff off. I can’t just ask questions, I have to provide some answers.

Now, whether these notions of what my writing on here has to be are necessarily accurate is besides the point, and I do want to explore in another piece what it means to contribute Torah to the Jewish textual tradition and what I see my role as. My point here is that I have been struggling with writing on here because it became work rather than play, an obligation to keep subscribers happy rather than a way to share my thinking. Every day I’d come home from work and go “alright, I’m gonna go write something for Substack” and every day I’d procrastinate doing it. Not even spending time on other things that I necessarily enjoy, just spending time spinning my wheels, scrolling the apps, waiting for inspiration to strike me, stressing out that it wasn’t hitting me, and then continuing scrolling to escape my own emotions, emotions that I would probably need if I were to actually write something. Even when I limited social media, I would find other ways to avoid having to expend effort. I knew I had a problem when I found myself scrolling through YouTube. Not watching any videos. Just scrolling.

And the thing that kills me is, I wasn’t even doing anything I wanted to do, or even enjoyed. I don’t enjoy mindless scrolling, especially when what I’m looking at these days is ever more creative ways to call for the death of me, my family, and my people, it’s just a way of doing nothing and giving yourself the illusion of doing something. And it seems to me that what it was coming from was the need I was giving myself to Produce Something Good, which is intimidating and nerve-wracking and hard, and every night I would try to produce the best piece of writing anyone’s ever read, and every night I would do nothing, and the nothing was somehow exhausting, and I had nothing to show for that exhaustion.

So yeah, sorry I haven’t written on here in a bit, I was going through some stuff. And I haven’t solved it yet, I am in fact writing this to procrastinate from a different thing I have to do, but here’s some stuff I’ve been thinking, and in the spirit of being the change you want to see I’m not going to even try to extensively source this idea, but I do want to put it out there.

So, I’ve been reading more Kabbalah and Chassidus recently in an attempt to broaden my horizons and give myself a broader religious vocabulary drawn from the Jewish tradition. And I’d like to try and present a kabbalistic theology of writer’s block. And again, I’m presenting this as naturally as I can without getting bogged down in presenting the most rigorous picture, these are just my impressions, written here and sent out into the world. And take me with several giant grains of salt because I am going based on impressions from secondary sources, as I have not read enough of the primary sources to be any sort of authority here.

Because Kabbalah sees the creation of the universe as occurring through language (itself an idea with much grounding in the Jewish tradition even outside of kabbalah and arguably peshat in Bereishis), the way in which the kabbalists describe God creating the world parallels the creative process done by human beings. ² The Kabbalists observe that speech or writing or any sort of communication starts off deep in the soul/mind as inchoate sensations, feelings, ideas, impulses, that exist prior to the language necessary to express them; Pre-thoughts, if you will. This is where writing blocks exists, where you have trouble taking the things in your head and forming them into enough coherence to communicate them. So too in creating the world, (all of this is very heavily kivayachol, and in fact I’m just gonna go ahead an italicize everything that should have kivayachol added to it) God starts out with thoughts that pre-exist language and coherence and thus are fundamentally and inherently incomprehensible and unexplainable to human beings because it is a space that language and coherence have no access to. There’s a really cool piece from Rebbe Nachman of Breslov:

ליקוטי מוהר"ן ס״ד:ג׳

ג אַךְ דַּע, אִם יֵשׁ צַדִּיק גָּדוֹל, שֶׁהוּא בְּחִינַת מֹשֶׁה, הוּא צָרִיךְ דַּוְקָא לְעַיֵּן בְּדִבְרֵי הָאֶפִּיקוֹרְסוּת אֵלּוּ, וְאַף שֶׁאִי אֶפְשָׁר לְיַשְּׁבָם כַּנַּ"ל, עַל כָּל זֶה עַל־יְדֵי עִיּוּנוֹ שֶׁמְּעַיֵּן שָׁם, הוּא מַעֲלֶה מִשָּׁם כַּמָּה נְשָׁמוֹת שֶׁנָּפְלוּ וְנִשְׁקְעוּ בְּתוֹךְ הָאֶפִּיקוֹרְסוּת הַזֹּאת. כִּי אֵלּוּ הַמְּבוּכוֹת וְהַקֻּשְׁיוֹת שֶׁל הָאֶפִּיקוֹרְסוּת הַזֹּאת הַבָּא מֵחָלָל הַפָּנוּי, הֵם בִּבְחִינַת שְׁתִיקָה, מֵאַחַר שֶׁאֵין עֲלֵיהֶם שֵׂכֶל וְאוֹתִיּוֹת לְיַשְׁבָם כַּנַּ"ל. כִּי הַבְּרִיאָה הָיְתָה עַל־יְדֵי הַדִּבּוּר, כְּמוֹ שֶׁכָּתוּב (תהילים ל״ג:ו׳): בִּדְבַר ה' שָׁמַיִם נַעֲשׂוּ, וּבְרוּחַ פִּיו כָּל צְבָאָם. וּבְהַדִּבּוּר יֵשׁ חָכְמָה, כִּי כְּלָל הַדִּבּוּר הוּא רַק חֲמֵשֶׁת מוֹצָאוֹת הַפֶּה, וְעַל יָדָם נִתְהַוּוּ כָּל הַדְּבָרִים שֶׁל כָּל הַבְּרִיאָה, וּכְמוֹ שֶׁכָּתוּב (שם קד): כֻּלָּם בְּחָכְמָה עָשִׂיתָ. וְהַדִּבּוּר הוּא הַגְּבוּל שֶׁל כָּל הַדְּבָרִים, כִּי הִגְבִּיל חָכְמָתוֹ בְּהָאוֹתִיּוֹת, שֶׁאוֹתִיּוֹת אֵלּוּ הֵם גְּבוּל לָזֶה, וְאוֹתִיּוֹת אֵלּוּ הֵם גְּבוּל לָזֶה. אֲבָל בְּהֶחָלָל הַפָּנוּי, שֶׁהוּא מַקִּיף כָּל הָעוֹלָמוֹת כַּנַּ"ל, וְהוּא פָּנוּי מִכֹּל כִּבְיָכוֹל כַּנַּ"ל, אֵין שָׁם שׁוּם דִּבּוּר, וַאֲפִלּוּ שֵׂכֶל בְּלֹא אוֹתִיּוֹת כַּנַּ"ל. וְעַל כֵּן הַמְּבוּכוֹת הַבָּאִים מִשָּׁם, הֵם בִּבְחִינַת שְׁתִיקָה. וּכְמוֹ שֶׁמָּצִינוּ בְּמשֶׁה (מנחות כט), כְּשֶׁשָּׁאַל עַל מִיתַת רַבִּי עֲקִיבָא: זוֹ תּוֹרָה וְזֶה שְׂכָרָהּ, הֵשִׁיבוּ לוֹ: שְׁתֹק, כָּךְ עָלָה בְּמַחֲשָׁבָה. הַיְנוּ שֶׁאַתָּה צָרִיךְ לִשְׁתֹּק, וְלִבְלִי לִשְׁאֹל תְּשׁוּבָה וְתֵרוּץ עַל קֻשְׁיָא זוֹ, כִּי כָּךְ עָלָה בְּמַחֲשָׁבָה, שֶׁהוּא לְמַעְלָה מִן הַדִּבּוּר, עַל־כֵּן אַתָּה צָרִיךְ לִשְׁתֹּק עַל שְׁאֵלָה זוֹ, כִּי הוּא בִּבְחִינוֹת עָלָה בְּמַחֲשָׁבָה, שֶׁאֵין שָׁם דִּבּוּר לְיַשֵּׁב אוֹתָהּ. וּכְמוֹ כֵן אֵלּוּ הַקֻּשְׁיוֹת וְהַמְּבוּכוֹת שֶׁבָּאִים מֵחָלָל הַפָּנוּי, שֶׁאֵין שָׁם דִּבּוּר וְלֹא שֵׂכֶל כַּנַּ"ל, עַל־כֵּן הֵם בִּבְחִינַת שְׁתִיקָה, וְצָרִיךְ רַק לְהַאֲמִין וְלִשְׁתֹּק שָׁם. וְעַל־כֵּן אָסוּר לִכְנֹס וּלְעַיֵּן בְּדִבְרֵי הָאֶפִּיקוֹרְסוּת וְהַמְּבוּכוֹת אֵלּוּ כִּי־אִם צַדִּיק שֶׁהוּא בְּחִינַת מֹשֶׁה, כִּי מֹשֶׁה הוּא בְּחִינַת שְׁתִיקָה, בִּבְחִינוֹת שֶׁנִּקְרָא כְּבַד פֶּה (שמות ד׳:י׳), בְּחִינַת שְׁתִיקָה, שֶׁהוּא לְמַעְלָה מִן הַדִּבּוּר. וְעַל־כֵּן הַצַּדִּיק שֶׁהוּא בְּחִינוֹת מֹשֶׁה, בְּחִינוֹת שְׁתִיקָה, יָכוֹל לְעַיֵּן בְּדִבְרֵי הַמְּבוּכוֹת אֵלּוּ, שֶׁהֵם בְּחִינוֹת שְׁתִיקָה כַּנַּ"ל, וְצָרִיךְ דַּוְקָא לְעַיֵּן, כְּדֵי לְהַעֲלוֹת הַנְּשָׁמוֹת שֶׁנָּפְלוּ לְשָׁם כַּנַּ"ל:

Likutei Moharan 64:3

3. But know! if there is a great tzaddik who is the aspect of Moshe, he must especially delve into these words of heresy. And even though it is impossible to answer them, as explained above, nevertheless, by his delving into there, he elevates from there a number of souls that fell and became submerged within this heresy. This is because these conundrums and questions [raised] by the heresy that stems from the Vacated Space are the aspect of silence, since there is no intellect or letters to answer them, as explained above. The creation came into existence by means of the spoken word, as it is written (Psalms 33:6) “By the word of God the heavens were made, and by the breath of His mouth their entire host [was created].” The spoken word contains wisdom, because the whole of speech is but the five articulators of the mouth. Through them all the things of the entire creation came into existence, as it is written (ibid. 104:24), “You created them all with wisdom.” The spoken word is the demarcation of all things. [God] circumscribed His wisdom in the letters, such that certain letters demarcate one thing, while other letters demarcate something else. But there in the Vacated Space—which surrounds all the worlds, and which is, so to speak, vacated of everything, as explained above—there is no spoken word at all, and not even intellect without letters, as explained above. Thus the conundrums that stem from there are in the aspect of silence. This is analogous to what we find of Moshe: When he asked regarding the death of Rabbi Akiva, “Is this the Torah, and is this its reward?” they answered him, “Be silent! Thus has it arisen in thought” (Menachot 29b). That is, you must be silent and not ask for an answer and solution for this question. This is because “thus has it arisen in thought,” which is more exalted than speech. Therefore, you must keep silent regarding this question, because it is in the aspect of “arisen in thought,” where there is no speech to answer it. The same is true of the questions and conundrums that stem from the Vacated Space, where there is no spoken word or intellect, as explained above. They are thus in the aspect of silence; one must simply believe and keep silent there. This is why it is forbidden for anyone other than the tzaddik who is the aspect of Moshe to enter and delve into these words of heresy and the conundrums. For Moshe is the aspect of silence, in the aspect that is called “heavy of speech” (Exodus 4:10), the aspect of a silence more exalted than speech. Therefore, the tzaddik who is the aspect of Moshe, the aspect of silence, is capable of delving into these perplexing words, which are the aspect of silence, as explained above. He should especially delve into [them], in order to elevate the souls that fell into there, as explained above.

You can spend an entire lifetime plumbing the depths of this piece, but my surface understanding (and I am very open to being shown that I am wrong) is that when Moshe sees R. Akiva suffering, challenges God, and is told “Be silent! Thus has it arisen in thought!”, he’s not just being told to shut up, but (and I cannot overemphasize how cool of an interpretation this is) because it is something in God’s mind that can only “arise in thought” because it is in the “חָלָל הַפָּנוּי”, the Vacated Space³ which pre-exists language and coherence, thus the only thing to do is be silent. The upshot here, I think, is that Moshe’s question, which is a theodicy question about why bad things happen to good people like R. Akiva, has no answer because the source of what we call evil (and doubt, and heresy) is a space within God that is fundamentally inaccessible to coherent answers that can be expressed with language.

That’s very abstract, let me try to explain how I understand that. I think a way of understanding this is that evil in this world is God’s writer’s block, the stuff that happens when a being that is far beyond our comprehension finds a barrier to communication with us finite beings. There is stuff that we understand God on because it is expressed in terms that are coherent and expressible, but there is stuff that God cannot communicate to us because the only way to communicate is with language and that stuff is from a place inaccessible to language. I think this is a much more interesting, deep, and complex approach to theodicy than “we trust that God’s plan will be good in the end”, because it acknowledges that our notions of good and evil are in some way artificial labels that we can’t necessarily apply to a being that contains depths beyond language and beyond coherence, and the source of our perception of good and evil is that impassable barrier to communication with God⁴

One other interesting corollary of this kabbalistic trend of ideas is that communication and coherence will always entail some sort of destruction in order to shape the formless and inchoate into something that can be communicated and expressed and comprehended. Pre-thoughts are immediately accessible but only to ourselves, so in order to be coherent they have to be gathered up and caught and stuffed into a cage that makes them transportable to other minds, which is the analogy I’m using for language here. But there is pain involved in this process, and a sense of loss when you have to take something that you understand intuitively and express it in terms that can be understood by others, because its never quite right. You try to put the light into the vessels, but the vessels break, and you have to accept that what you meant will have to be inferred by others as they gather the sparks of your intentions.